What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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