you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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