She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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