So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
