Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
