As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
