Can i not drive my cunt home
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
