well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
