apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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