Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I think my moral compass just broke
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
