You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
