He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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