Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
