I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
