Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
