I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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