I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize