I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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