I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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