Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
