You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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