You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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