I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Crop dusting thru forever 21
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize