I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
