Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
