He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
