Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
