Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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