he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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