My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he fucked my hip out of place.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
