This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
