Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
