I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Let's paint friendship bongs
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
