In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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