Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
