it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
