I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
