there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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