I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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