She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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