Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My balls are so social today.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize