nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
