i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
