the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
