This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
