You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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