I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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