i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
