i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
