I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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