i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
