Apparently you make a good broom.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
then he tried to convert me to islam
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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