You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Drake has all the answers
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
