Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
