there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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