I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
