fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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