I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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