Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Mom said you looked used
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
