I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
