my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
