I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
