Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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