Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
