My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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