# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
