Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
