my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
