my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
