oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
