remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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