So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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