I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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