I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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