I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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