There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
